In the end, I still couldn’t apologize to Gu Fan.
I rested my head on my arms, biting down on the sleeve of my school uniform as if the unbearable memories could be squeezed out of my body with the force of my teeth.
The classroom was a little noisy on Monday.
It had been quite some time since school started, and everyone more or less knew each other, so naturally, they were sharing stories about their weekends with friends.
I, who couldn’t make friends and didn’t like socializing, sat quietly at my desk, propping my cheek up as I replayed last Friday’s events in my mind.
I wanted to sigh deeply, but looking around at the noisy crowd, I swallowed my frustration silently.
I pulled a few textbooks out of my drawer and stacked them on my desk, resting my heavy head on them and closing my eyes.
After actively shutting out visual input, the rest of my body became more sensitive, especially my toes curled awkwardly against the tips of my shoes.
I had forgotten to bring my backpack and shoes. The former didn’t matter much since it didn’t have any books inside. But those canvas shoes — I only had this one pair.
Now I had to make do with the sneakers I bought back in middle school, which didn’t fit very well.
If I had left them somewhere like a park, or if someone had stolen them, I wouldn’t care nearly as much as I do now.
But I had run out of Gu Fan’s house so rudely, without even saying goodbye, and left behind those hard-to-handle things.
Realizing this, I felt that not apologizing wasn’t even the worst thing anymore — because I had committed a more serious offense.
“Ahhh…”
I moaned helplessly, hiding my clenched teeth behind the textbooks.
There was no helping it — I could only blame myself for not having normal interactions with people for so long that when I tried, I’d inevitably overdo it.
What an incurable idiot I was!
Taking advantage of the noisy environment, I lightly bumped my forehead against the square “pillow” formed by the stacked textbooks.
It didn’t hurt, but the slight shock helped me feel a little better.
The teacher’s voice was clearly picked up by my four highly sensitive ears, but the memories that occupied my brain pushed it away before it could settle in.
That’s how listlessly I stared at the multimedia blackboard, without the slightest interest in the carefully prepared PowerPoint.
Would you say I’m a bad student?
Maybe in other people’s eyes, I really was careless — not listening to lectures, not doing homework, only studying a little before exams.
And now, after being sent back to the first year of high school, I was even less interested in relearning the material..
Sometimes my gaze would be drawn to other classmates who were seriously studying, so I’d grip my ballpoint pen, trying to put in a little effort, but after just a short while, my attention would be pulled back to Gu Fan.
I wasn’t like this before. I hardly ever had the chance to interact with Gu Fan, and when I spaced out, I only thought about my own things.
Hmm~ now, when I zone out, I even reach to touch my tail — that tingling, buzzing sensation stimulates my drowsy consciousness.
This sudden “gift” of rebirth shattered my long-standing habits, and I’ve been in this unprepared, vulnerable state ever since. Because of it, I’ve revealed too many cracks in myself.
Putting myself in Gu Fan’s shoes, I wonder how he would see this flawed, clumsy me…
“Ughh”
My throat… my throat feels strangled!
My long cat tail scratches at my neck, the tickling causes my throat muscles to contract, and the urge to vomit grows stronger.
Ridiculously, I think life is worse than death. Having to live and endure this shame — it’s truly tough.
I lowered my voice, coughing a few times, covering my face as I quietly whimpered. My furry cat ears shivered sensitively in the breeze from the fan.
Though there are many painful memories, there are also plenty of moments worth savouring.
When I was hugged… when my head was stroked…
I don’t know if it’s because my body has become more feminine, or because I’ve turned into a catgirl, but my senses have definitely become much more sensitive.
When I was held tight against Gu Fan, my whole body pressed closely to his, my heart felt like a little deer hopping and darting across a meadow, joyfully beating inside his chest. In that instant, it seemed I could feel his heartbeat and the flow of his emotions.
That was the first time I’d ever been embraced by someone — even my mother, I’d never shared such an intimate moment with her.
I have to say… it was a truly strange experience, one I almost didn’t want to let go of.
There’s a saying that if you’re rarely touched or loved by parents or family as a child, your skin will inexplicably crave and endlessly demand human contact.
I don’t think I’m that extreme yet, but as for hugs, I can accept them — so far, I’ve only hugged Gu Fan, so I’m not sure if I’d dislike hugging others.
But… probably, I would. After all, Gu Fan is special.
As for head pats… hmm, rather than just enjoyment, it’s more like an intensely pleasurable stimulation.
My furry cat ears are incredibly sensitive — just a breeze from the fan can make them itch, let alone someone rubbing or squeezing them.
Back at Gu Fan’s place, when he touched them a little casually like that, I almost couldn’t control my trembling vocal cords.
It was unforgettable, and without realizing it, I reached up to touch my own cat ears, wanting to recreate that feeling.
No matter how I rubbed, I just couldn’t recreate that heart-fluttering moment.
My hands… are too small. They don’t have those delicate, slightly rough calluses that Gu Fan’s palms do — the kind that carry a faint ticklish sensation. And my hands are so cold. If it were Gu Fan, his hands would probably be warm like little heat packs, gently wrapping around my cat ears, right?
Just imagining that scene, my cat ears droop limply, as if the tips are groaning with effort.
“Ring, ring, ring~”
The piercing sound of the class bell, arriving just as the last period begins, suddenly doesn’t feel so annoying anymore.
It’s only when I hear the classmates around me quietly chatting about what to eat for lunch that I finally snap out of my own little world.
It’s times like these that make me realize how quickly time flies.
I shift my hips — maybe holding the same posture for too long — and they go a bit numb.
I didn’t pay attention to the morning classes at all; my notes are empty, just a few messy words scribbled down.
Ah, but on second thought, maybe this is a good opportunity?
Maybe I can use “borrowing notes” as an excuse to get closer to Gu Fan, and then find a chance to apologize for all those mistakes I made a few days ago.
Hehe, to think that I can even come up with this kind of plan — maybe I’m not as clumsy as I imagined.
When I get excited, my tail starts wagging uncontrollably.
Just as I’m about to think about other things, I feel a light tap on my shoulder.
“Hey, your tail is blocking me.”
“What? Uh…”
I absentmindedly turn my head and make eye contact with a girl sitting behind me wearing round glasses. I also catch sight of my tall, black cat tail sticking up.
“…Ah, sorry… I didn’t mean to bother you.”
Realizing my mistake, I immediately lower my head, embarrassed, and apologize quietly and awkwardly.
Wrapping my tail around me and holding it close to my chest, I bite my soft lower lip. My heart sends a bitter, shameful sensation through my entire body, and tears threaten to spill past my eyelashes.
She’s been enduring this for four whole classes, hasn’t she? And I didn’t even realize I was disturbing her all this time.
Would she think I’m a mean person? Probably, right?
Everyone has known me as a cat girl since I was little, so they’d expect me to be mindful of things like this. But here I am, selfishly making it hard for others to have a normal class.
Tch, I wish I could just cut off my tail with a knife.